What If A Separation Is Not The End…?

Are you currently struggling with a separation? 

We as human beings have a need for love and most of us dream of a loving and intimate relationship. At least, I always did. However, my relationships ended with break-ups. In the beginning, I considered them as a sign of failure and blamed myself. Now I know that I needed these relationships and their endings. They motivated me to heal and change myself so that I was prepared for the relationship I want. Why did I need this preparation? I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and I only knew manipulative relationship patterns. Furthermore, I had learned misleading concepts about love, e.g. I considered pleasing my partner while neglecting my needs as loving behavior. The negative patterns of my childhood were deeply anchored in my subconscious, and I repeated them in my romantic relationships. With each break-up, I became aware of some of these patterns until they were finally healed. If your dream of a healthy relationship has not yet become true, it does not mean that it is not meant for you. It is only a sign that you should do some healing work before it can become true. If you don’t change anything, it is likely that you have the same outcome as before. Here are three easy changes that served me well:

Focus on what you want

I am sure that you have learned a lot about all the things that you don’t want to have in your relationship. At least, I had a long list in my mind. However, I didn’t define what I really wanted, and I attracted all that I did not want because I focused on it. Change your focus today and stop thinking about what you do not want. Instead, focus your thoughts on what you want and describe the relationship of your dreams. To prepare this, you may take a paper and draw two columns. On one side, write down all things you don’t want in your relationship, on the other side, turn it around into something you want. Allow yourself to dream big!

Commit to what you want

If you have defined what you want, you now have to take the next step: look at your description and define all the points that are show-stopper. Show-stoppers are these topics that are so important to you that you can’t live without them. Just to give you a personal example: I love cats – I have three of them – and I need a partner who also loves animals and appreciates living together with them. A partner who is allergic to cats is simply not possible. If you are clear about your show-stoppers, use them to make a conscious choice whether you want a relationship with a person. The clue is that you have to have the courage to say “no” to somebody who does not meet your show-stopper criteria.

Improve your self-compassion and self-esteem

You are the most important person in your life, independent from your (ex-)partner, your family or your friends. The relationship with yourself is the longest and most important relationship you will ever have in your life. The more you respect and value yourself, the more you will attract respectful and loving relationships into your life. A good level of self-esteem is the basis for a healthy relationship because it allows you to be honest and authentic. In a relationship, you should love your partner while you love yourself. This will also support you in setting healthy boundaries and in respecting your needs.

To increase your self-esteem, stop judging yourself and stop comparing yourself with others. You are unique and special. Instead, be aware of the qualities you have. What is making you special? Explore your strengths and be aware of them. Don’t criticize yourself, instead look at yourself through the eyes of loving grandparents who loves you and wants the best for you, What would they say about you? What advice would they give you? What would they wish you?
Failures are part of your growth process, and I am sure that you can make a valuable learning out of them. If there are parts of you that you do not appreciate, think about how you can change them so that you like them more. Explore them, they are there for a reason, and they want to tell you something. Ask yourself, What is the kindest thing I can do for myself in this situation?, and then act accordingly. Always keep in mind that you can’t change the past, but you can grow and become the person you want to be.

Which action do you want to take today?

I look forward to reading your comments below!

Do you want to read more? Check the post The greatest secret for a fulfilling relationship.

Natalie Jovanic

Natalie Jovanic is a Registered Therapeutic Counsellor and Shiatsu Therapist. As a counsellor, they pass on what they believe in, but it isn’t just knowledge, theory, and professional experience. It is also their wisdom gained through their own transformative journey of healing abuse. Natalie is trained in trauma-informed practice and EMDR. They are the author of A Brave, True Story.