If Love Is Painful…

“I am ready for a new relationship”, she said. “You may help me with this.”

O.k. Tell me more about your past relationships…” I asked her.

I had some relationships. I deeply loved them. But it never lasted long. I had to leave them. It was just too painful. They had so much baggage of their past,” she continued her story. While she spoke, I could sense the pain. When she had finished, I said: “Listening to your story, I hear that you speak about great love and deep pain. It seems as if there is a connection. What makes you connect love with so much pain?”

Silence. Suddenly, she had tears in her eyes. “It’s about my parents. Love was painful…,” she took a breath. ”I never saw this connection before… Now, I am ready to release it. I want to connect love with joy.” She smiled softly. Now, she was ready to experience love in a different way.

How do you experience love?

Love is a feeling, and your childhood shapes the way how you experience it. If you connect love with positive feelings like joy, you are unlikely to read this post.

What if you connect it with pain or struggle?

It’s something you should look at and heal with self-compassion. You can’t change the past, but you can create a better future. Take care of this little child within you that has lived through so much pain in love. Her childhood wasn’t easy. She has experienced suffering. Her parents may never have been able to give her the love she needed.

And you are a beautiful woman now, and you can give her the love she deserves. She won’t receive this from anybody else. Only you can give it to her. This way she can stop to look for love in painful places. The more you nurture the relationship with your inner child with compassion, the more you will free yourself from the influences of the past. Why should you change this? I know that you were an innocent child. You didn’t deserve to experience love as pain. But you can’t change the past. You can only create a better future. Healing isn’t obligatory. It’s a choice. I walked many years on the painful path until I decided to change. Going a new path is uncomfortable and sometimes frightening. As human beings, we love our comfort zone. We may sometimes even prefer the pain we know instead of trying something new. But before you decide what to do, just consider for a moment:

How would your life change if you were lucky in love?
What if love were a source of happiness and joy?

Isn’t this perspective worth to try a new path?

I’d love to read your comments below.

Do you want to read more? Read the post Why does the heart go through so much heartbreak.

Natalie Jovanic

Natalie Jovanic is a Registered Therapeutic Counsellor and Shiatsu Therapist. As a counsellor, they pass on what they believe in, but it isn’t just knowledge, theory, and professional experience. It is also their wisdom gained through their own transformative journey of healing abuse. Natalie is trained in trauma-informed practice and EMDR. They are the author of A Brave, True Story.