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What If You Fear Relationships…?

What If You Fear Relationships…?

Sometimes we learned difficult and hurtful lessons in life and as result, we fear relationships and deep connections. Let me tell you my story:

We were at a wonderful market, surrounded by booths selling colorful things from all over the world, the air filled with the smell of exotic food. I looked at the man at my side. I had achieved all I had dreamed of. The first date with this charming man – Spanish, good looking and humorous. It seemed so wonderful, like a dream. Instead I felt horrible, awkward and caged. I noticed this solid wall around me all the time. It put an unbearable pressure on myself. When we went home, he tried to give me a kiss – and then it happened. I heard myself saying, This will never work out, cold and sharp – the voice of my fear. I pushed him away and just tried to get out of the situation. I felt this fear inside, dark, deep and ice-cold – telling me, just to get out of here… otherwise I would die. My inner child had taken over control and was projecting all its anger and fears from its childhood to this man. I was powerless and unable to stop it. And inside my heart was crying.

We continued with a difficult relationship for one year, splitting off and starting again, never really being able to communicate with each other. I was his mirror and he was mine. Finally, I bought a book about fear of relationships. I wanted to understand our dynamics and how I could deal better with this. And I found a picture of myself I did not like to see – I had the same fear of relationships I had seen in my partner. It made me feel small, like a loser. I had never wanted to be influenced in such a strong way by my experiences in my childhood. And I was. I felt like a failure, ashamed of myself. I started working with myself and my inner child. For the following two years I focussed on changing this picture of myself. I did not dare to have a new date again because I was too afraid to return into my old habits.

And then, there came this man who I had not noticed in the beginning. By some lucky circumstances I could not avoid seeing him again. He was tall, brown-haired, attractive. In the past, my inner child always feared tall men for its experience in the childhood and this time it was o.k. My inner voice told me that it was time to go for a coffee again. So I dared to ask him for a coffee.

And I had dinner with him on a Saturday evening. Later that evening we went for a walk through the city. We just talked about ourselves. I felt well, relaxed and connected to myself. I said what I really wanted to say. I just was who I am. When we said good-bye I was able to give him a hug and to say him thank you for the nice evening. That evening I had not run away for the first time in my life and I had achieved something important for me. And I knew I could repeat it anytime I wanted to.

My fear has transformed me, now I work actively on my relationships, looking at every situation with the perspective What can I learn from it? It helps me to be authentic and not to play any games. And even though love has its limits if there is any kind of abuse or mistreatment, I now see a relationship as something very precious that should not be thrown away easily and deserves the constant effort to learn and work on one self to stay together. If I leave my partner and look for a new one without learning what I should learn from the situation I will face the same problem – only with a different actor. I would just waste my time and would have to do the learning I could do now at a later stage. My fear helps me to stay curious and creative in finding the best way to relate to someone. In the end, we all want to connect to other persons and connecting to others should give us positive energy and a lot of fun.

Stories are powerful to heal our lives. We are all human and have our scars, wounds and mistakes. Important is how we deal with them and what we make out of them. A long time I saw my fear of relationships as my “biggest” mistake and I was not able to forgive myself. By writing the story the wound and sense of failure got a new definition and a different description. This time it was written from a loving and compassionate point of view. This is the true healing.

I look forward to reading your comments below!

Do you want to read more? Check the article How to Be a Modern Heroine.

A Wolf’s Separation

Once upon a time, there was a majestic wolf who lived happily and content with his female companion and their offspring in a green forest out of fir trees. The wolf was a loyal companion and a loving father. He took care of his pack so that they had a good meal and a safe home. He anticipated every wish of his pack.

One day, there was a terrible thunderstorm and nothing was as it had been before. The wolf and the she-wolf decided to go their own ways, separated from each other. For the wolf, his pack was his all in the world and he lost everything he ever had. He felt torn into pieces and his heart was broken. He felt guilty for not having it done better. His eyes lost the radiance and his coat the brilliance.

In a deeply black, rainy night the wolf ran into the woods. He did not know which direction to take. He just ran, ran and ran until he collapsed exhausted. Lying on the ground, he suddenly felt a gentle touch on his wet coat. Painfully, he raised his head and saw a tall bear. He thought, A bear, my God, a bear. He saw the imminent death in front of him and did not know whether he should greet him or be frightened. He was too weak to run away.

The gray bear lifted up the wolf lovingly and gently and carried him into a warm cave with an infinite amount of mirrors. The wolf stood up carefully and asked the bear, What is it?

The bear replied, That is you. Each mirror is a part of you and you’re more than all the mirrors.

The wolf looked at the overwhelming amount of mirrors and saw that in one, he was played with his children and in the other he hunted prey. Then he saw his beloved she-wolf in a mirror that was no longer his companion. When he saw her tears came up into his eyes and panic overwhelmed him. What would he do without her?

The bear touched softly his shoulder and said, She will always be in your heart. She has given you your pack. The wound is now so deep that words cannot describe it. And, one day this pain will pass by, too. If you do not see it now, you will then know that it is good as it is.

The wolf bowed his head slightly disbelieving and the bear said: Look over your left shoulder. The wolf turned around and saw a brown saddlebag on his back that was very heavy. What is it? he asked. The bear answered, These are your negative experiences. Now look at your right shoulder. The wolf turned around and saw a saddlebag that was made out of colorful and bright cloth. The bear continued, …and that is all that you have learned from it. At that moment, the wolf felt how the load on his back became balanced and lighter.

Then he saw a new mirror in which he saw another wolf, this one had a wonderful gray mane, a kind smile and a special sparkle in his eyes. This wolf looked calm and peaceful in the world, as if nothing could shock him. Astonished he asked the bear, Who is he? The bear smiled softly and said, He is you. You have all the power and strength to overcome this crisis. You’re more than just a companion and you are more than the people who surround you. Even if it’s painful, sometimes a part of us has to die so that we find ourselves. Never forget how many stars you have inside yourself. Never forget how valuable you are as an individual. I give you this stone as a reminder.

He gave the wolf a beautiful, gleaming green stone and the wolf put the stone into his heart and bowed in gratitude.

He left the cave and his head was now upright and his step powerful. When he entered in the forest again, he felt how the stone completed his heart. The rain was now over, and he looked up at the sky and saw the moon and the stars. That moment he knew that he would find his way.

I look forward to reading your comments below!

Are you interested in reading more about this theme? Check the article What if a Separation is not the end…?