Are You Hiding From Love?

Last year, when I was writing my book, a miracle happened. My friend – a man who had always meant a lot to me and who I fully trusted – told me that he had left his relationship. I had never dared to hope that this might happen. We knew each other for 13 years. He knew my secrets and what happened in my relationships. He knew that I valued honesty more than anything – and I counted on his honesty.

After his separation, he started to contact me frequently. He told me many nice things like that he always felt an emotional bond between us. His words sounded real and genuine to me. One day, I decided that I had to take the risk and dare to love again. I asked him whether he wanted to visit me. And he did. I spend the most wonderful week in my life with a man. It was fluent, just like a miracle.

Then, he flew home, and I was in heaven. Two weeks after his visit, he told me that he had visited me because he knew that he’d receive my love. I didn’t understand what he meant. Then, he started to give me many mixed messages and disappeared. He never called to tell me his truth. He just disappeared. I was shaking. It wasn’t so much about losing a relationship; it was also about losing a friend I had deeply trusted in the last 13 years. Don’t get me wrong, I understand why he did it. He was in pain, and he was weak at this moment, and he knew that I would give him love. Maybe this week helped him a bit through his crisis. I’ll never know, and it’s not important.

After his withdrawal, I started to heal my heart – from flower essences to Reiki, phone calls with my friends, and being shaken by sadness and anger. I wanted to forget this story as fast as possible. Just another love affair – a nice week… why should I care? That was the label I wanted to give it. After three months, I thought I was over it….

About a year later, I wrote a story. And I described a scene of a woman hiding from love, singing the song I am through with love. When I read it again, I suddenly knew it wasn’t about this woman. It was about me. My heart was still closed. I started to look for a reason. What made me hide in my apartment?

What makes you hide from love?

Some days later, I wrote about my book, and I said that my book was about my greatest defeat. The word hit my soul. Greatest defeat?! I rarely ever use this word. How was this possible? Why had I chosen this word? I have achieved great things in my life, and I have overcome many adversities. Why did I feel defeated? What was I really writing about? And suddenly, I remembered the final chapter – the story about my friend’s withdrawal. Tears ran down my face.

What pain do you need to acknowledge?

That day, I acknowledged my pain. I had wanted to ignore it. I had wanted to make it small. I had wanted to avoid it. And it was still there – I felt betrayed. Betrayed because he never told me what he was really after. Betrayed because he hadn’t been honest with me (at least, that’s how I read it). Betrayed because he never cared to give me a final call to say good-bye. If I’d hold on to this feeling, I’d hide forever. I didn’t want that to happen. He was just one experience, and there are many great men out there. I stopped working. I went to the harbor, sat down with my pain and cried. I felt relieved. Some days later, I felt how my heart started to open again. I’ll dare to love again. The right man will come when the time is right.

What is the pain are you ready to release?

If you have been deeply hurt in love, acknowledge your pain and let go of it when the time is right. Allow your heart to heal. I can’t tell you how long it will takes, but it is possible. To love means to take risks. To love means to let go of control. To love means to be vulnerable. In the beginning, you’ll never know how the story ends. However, if you never try you won’t find it out. Love is outside your comfort zone. And with all this risk, dare to love again. There is a man out there, who wants the same as you, who will give you the love you deserve. It will happen when the time right.

What do you need to dare to love again?

I’d love to hear from you. Just leave your comment below.

Do you want to read more? Check the article How to become a relationship heroine.

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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