What Ghosts Are Haunting You In Your Relationship?

Even though, our romantic relationships take place in the present moment, often they are influenced by the ghosts of our childhood. Do you sometimes hear your mother’s voice in your head telling you what you have to do? Does this really serve you well?

I once met a great man. He had lived through a very painful childhood with a parent who had problems with alcohol. As a child, he learned not to trust anybody. He was in a relationship for ten years now, and he said with deep conviction in his voice: I’ll never trust my girlfriend. Why should I? His voice expressed the pain and anger he felt as a child. He carried this ghost with him, each day. I could feel his pain. I also grew up with the belief that I couldn’t trust anybody. However, this belief made the world an insecure and lonely place. How can you experience true connection if you don’t trust? During a dark night of my soul, when this pain became nearly unbearable, I chose to open my heart and learned to trust others. Yes, it was a risk and, sometimes, I trusted people who didn’t deserve it. But the benefit was greater than the risk: I longed for love and belonging, and my decision empowered me to create nurturing and supportive relationships.

What are the ghosts you carry around with you?

I don’t know what your ghosts are. My ghosts were violence and manipulation. I tried different ways to deal with them – ignoring them, running away or getting angry. But they didn’t go away and haunted me in my romantic relationships. Finally, I found a solution: shining light on them and looking at them compassionately. This awareness gradually transformed them and empowered me to be ready for the love I wanted to experience.

You can’t choose your childhood and your family. If you have grown up in a family with insecure and painful relationships, this impacts the way you relate with other people. If you had great role-models in your childhood, your romantic relationships are likely to be smooth. If not, that’s something you should take care of. As human beings, we tend to be attracted by what we know, and we tend to repeat what we have learned from our family. If your past limits you and doesn’t bring you happiness, then it’s time to clear these patterns. No, you can’t change the past. It was as it was, with its delights, regrets and injustices.

But does your childhood have to haunt you for all your life? Do you have to repeat your parent’s destiny?

As an adult, you have choices. You can write your relationship story, and I know that you can create a magnificent one. If you don’t do anything or blame your parents for what was, the ghosts of your past are likely to haunt you for your lifetime. Another option is to open your heart, heal the wounds of your past and learn new behaviours that empower you to experience nurturing relationships. You may ask: Why should I? It wasn’t my fault. Yes, you are right. You have been innocent as a child. But you are an adult now, you are responsible for who you are. You can stick on blaming your parents or life in general or whomever you want to blame. Blame won’t change anything. The alternative is to sit down with yourself, compassionately take responsibility for this wounded child within you and become a great parent for her. This way, you can create the love you deserve. Nobody else can do this – neither your parents nor your partner. Only you can heal yourself and reclaim your wholeness. This process is like peeling an onion. With each layer you peel off, you get better connected with yourself and you will become happier. You will dare to show up as who you are in your relationship. And this is the basis for true love and belonging. Sitting down with myself wasn’t always comfortable, but it enabled me to experience love and belonging and to create nurturing and caring relationships. And that’s what you truly want to experience, isn’t it?

If you don’t change anything, you will get the same result as always. Start to walk on a different path today. Make a list and write down the following points:

  • What are the ghosts of your childhood that are still haunting you in your relationships?
  • What do you want to experience instead of them?
  • Are you willing to release your ghosts?
  • What is the first step you can take today to realize your dream?

Do you want to read more? Check the post How to become a modern heroine.

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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In Wholeness, We Meet

Love is a mystery and has many faces. This love poetry aims for explaining how love can grow in a relationship.

In wholeness, we meet.
I am I, and you are you.
In wholeness, we meet.
Two balloons, flying together.

I see you, and you see me.
We are as we are, perfect with our imperfections.
In wholeness, we meet.
Two balloons, touching gently.

I carry mine, you carry yours.
I don’t save you, you don’t save me.
I don’t change you, you don’t change me.
In wholeness, we meet.
Two balloons, caressing gently.

I see your beauty, and you see mine.
I see your strength, and you see mine.
I love your defects, and you love mine.
In wholeness, we meet.
Two balloons, growing together.

With honesty we speak.
We dare to show up, just as we are.
Nothing to hide, nothing to fake.
I honor you, you honor me.
In wholeness, we meet.
Two balloons, shining brightly.

We choose to fly together.
Two balloons, touching slightly,
Two balloons, caressing gently,
Two balloons, growing greater,
Two balloons, shining brighter,
Through our gentle touch, we fly together.

In wholeness, we meet.
Love is the bond, and gratitude the motion.

 

I’d love to hear from you. Just leave your comment below.

Do you want to read more? Check the poem Love & Freedom.

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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How Do You Relate With Beauty?

Last week, one woman presented her new board in Pinterest in our virtual business coffee. It showed pictures of beautiful women in wonderful dresses. They looked like goddesses. At the moment I saw them, I felt small. A critical voice in my head told me, That’s how a woman is supposed to be! You’ll never be so beautiful. You’ll never be so elegant. It was just another time that this harsh voice told me that I wasn’t good enough.

What does your critical voice say about you as a woman?

I don’t know what your inner critique tells you, but I have met many women who have a harsh voice in their head telling every day that they aren’t good enough… What are the messages you are receiving? When I looked into the media or listened to friends, I heard the message that I wasn’t feminine enough. I tried everything to fit in. I experimented with long hair, sexy cloths and expensive high heels. I even became a great cook. Did it make me happy or more beautiful? No, it didn’t. One day, I gave up and just wanted to be me.

Who tells you how you are supposed to be?

Is it your inner voice or do they come from friends and family or the media? Does it make you happy? It is easy to be swept away by the many opinions that tell you how you should be as a woman. Society gives you a picture, the media another one. Your family and your partner may have different claims. Each day, you receive many messages that tell you that you aren’t good enough the way you are. It’s tempting to buy-in into these opinions and to consider yourself as not good enough. Last Monday, when the critical voice talked to me again, I took a breath, centered myself and told my inner critique firmly to go away. In the end, it’s my choice to which voices I listen to. And I’ve chosen to be beautiful and enough as I am. And so are you. You are good enough just as you are today. You are beautiful as you are. There is no need to change anything. Why do we all have to be of the same size or shape?  Aren’t we beautiful for who we are? Isn’t our diversity and difference in character, size, shape, or whatever else comes to your mind that what makes us amazing women? I will never reach perfection, and I’ve given up the need to search it. I listen to my inner voice, and I make my decisions based on what feels right for me. I have my daily routine to clear away the messages that tell me that I am not good enough. And I want to invite you to explore this option. You can focus on what you aren’t and judge you for that. You can listen to the messages that tell you that you are too thin, thick, tall, small, or whatever other message comes to your mind. But you’ll miss an important part: you won’t see the beauty that resides within you. I know that you have a beauty beyond belief. You just need to allow yourself to see it. Isn’t life more charming if we encourage each other to see our unique beauty?

What is your unique beauty? Please, tell me more about it.

If I look into a mirror, I see a woman with beautiful brown eyes and a short and fresh haircut. She loves to write and change. She isn’t unscarred but has overcome many battles and feels happy and fulfilled. And she puts her energy into having more laugh wrinkles each day. That’s my beauty. What is yours?

Whom do you choose to listen to in the future?

You are free to choose whom you listen to. You decide whose ideals or ideas you follow. I won’t tell you what you should do, but I want to invite you to explore your beauty for just a week. Here is a little game: How about looking at yourself as if you were an amazing goddess you never met before? Explore her with curiosity. Look at her with appreciation. Who is this goddess? What makes her awesome? What are her special gifts and talents? What is her unique beauty in her appearance? What are the specific traits that make her beautiful? Write this all down and stick it to your refrigerator. Extend this list when it feels right for you and read it every day. Enjoy this journey of self-discovery and allow your unique beauty to shine brightly in this world.

I’d love to hear from you. Just leave your comment below.

Do you want to read more? Check the post How to become a modern heroine in relationships.

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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Love & Freedom

Love connects us,
Freedom allows us to choose to walk together.

Love wants us to spend our life together.
Freedom tells us that we won’t know before the end of our days.

Love sometimes urges us to give everything,
Freedom reminds us to stay on our path.

Love wants us to be loved,
Freedom softly guides us to love ourselves and have boundaries.

Love wants appreciation and approval,
Freedom advises us to let go of fear and show up as we are.

Love may urge us to promise that we’ll never leave each other,
Freedom gently reminds us to never take each other for granted and to continue our growth.

Love makes us wake up each morning together,
Freedom prompts us to look into our eyes and saying silently “yes” and “thank you” to each other with a smile.

Love, if ever it comes the day that we can’t continue walking together,
Freedom embraces us so that we are able to let go no matter how much we love.

Love never dies,
Freedom is everything.

I’d love to hear from you. Just leave your comment below.

Do you want to read more? Check the post What if you always attract the wrong man?

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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Are You Hiding From Love?

Last year, when I was writing my book, a miracle happened. My friend – a man who had always meant a lot to me and who I fully trusted – told me that he had left his relationship. I had never dared to hope that this might happen. We knew each other for 13 years. He knew my secrets and what happened in my relationships. He knew that I valued honesty more than anything – and I counted on his honesty.

After his separation, he started to contact me frequently. He told me many nice things like that he always felt an emotional bond between us. His words sounded real and genuine to me. One day, I decided that I had to take the risk and dare to love again. I asked him whether he wanted to visit me. And he did. I spend the most wonderful week in my life with a man. It was fluent, just like a miracle.

Then, he flew home, and I was in heaven. Two weeks after his visit, he told me that he had visited me because he knew that he’d receive my love. I didn’t understand what he meant. Then, he started to give me many mixed messages and disappeared. He never called to tell me his truth. He just disappeared. I was shaking. It wasn’t so much about losing a relationship; it was also about losing a friend I had deeply trusted in the last 13 years. Don’t get me wrong, I understand why he did it. He was in pain, and he was weak at this moment, and he knew that I would give him love. Maybe this week helped him a bit through his crisis. I’ll never know, and it’s not important.

After his withdrawal, I started to heal my heart – from flower essences to Reiki, phone calls with my friends, and being shaken by sadness and anger. I wanted to forget this story as fast as possible. Just another love affair – a nice week… why should I care? That was the label I wanted to give it. After three months, I thought I was over it….

About a year later, I wrote a story. And I described a scene of a woman hiding from love, singing the song I am through with love. When I read it again, I suddenly knew it wasn’t about this woman. It was about me. My heart was still closed. I started to look for a reason. What made me hide in my apartment?

What makes you hide from love?

Some days later, I wrote about my book, and I said that my book was about my greatest defeat. The word hit my soul. Greatest defeat?! I rarely ever use this word. How was this possible? Why had I chosen this word? I have achieved great things in my life, and I have overcome many adversities. Why did I feel defeated? What was I really writing about? And suddenly, I remembered the final chapter – the story about my friend’s withdrawal. Tears ran down my face.

What pain do you need to acknowledge?

That day, I acknowledged my pain. I had wanted to ignore it. I had wanted to make it small. I had wanted to avoid it. And it was still there – I felt betrayed. Betrayed because he never told me what he was really after. Betrayed because he hadn’t been honest with me (at least, that’s how I read it). Betrayed because he never cared to give me a final call to say good-bye. If I’d hold on to this feeling, I’d hide forever. I didn’t want that to happen. He was just one experience, and there are many great men out there. I stopped working. I went to the harbor, sat down with my pain and cried. I felt relieved. Some days later, I felt how my heart started to open again. I’ll dare to love again. The right man will come when the time is right.

What is the pain are you ready to release?

If you have been deeply hurt in love, acknowledge your pain and let go of it when the time is right. Allow your heart to heal. I can’t tell you how long it will takes, but it is possible. To love means to take risks. To love means to let go of control. To love means to be vulnerable. In the beginning, you’ll never know how the story ends. However, if you never try you won’t find it out. Love is outside your comfort zone. And with all this risk, dare to love again. There is a man out there, who wants the same as you, who will give you the love you deserve. It will happen when the time right.

What do you need to dare to love again?

I’d love to hear from you. Just leave your comment below.

Do you want to read more? Check the article How to become a relationship heroine.

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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Do you know your rights in a relationship?

I see often that my clients aren’t aware of their relationship rights. We never learned about our relationship rights in school and our family may also not serve as a good role-model. If we grew up in a dysfunctional family, we are likely to have learned a misleading perception about love and relationships. I experienced abusive relationships in my childhood. As a result, I had a distorted perception about my relationship rights. I felt insecure and wasn’t able to set healthy boundaries. My lack of knowledge led to major conflicts in my past relationships. I disrespected my rights and my needs. Knowing my relationship rights gave me clarity and helped me take the right direction in my relationships.

Independent of what happened in your childhood, you are an adult now. You should know your rights and claim them.

Here is a list of your relationship rights:

  • You have the right to be the most important person in your life.
  • You have the right to be happy and happier than your partner.
  • You have the right to take care of yourself, no matter what.
  • You have the right to change your mind.
  • You have the right to say no, without further explanation.
  • You have the right to expect honesty from your partner.
  • You have the right to make mistakes.
  • You have the right to your personal space and time needs.
  • You have the right to be uniquely you, without feeling that you are not good enough.
  • You have the right that your needs are equally important as your partner’s needs.
  • You have the right to be treated with respect and kindness.
  • You have the right to receive emotional support.
  • You have the right to express your opinion and to be heard by your partner.
  • You have the right to have your own perspective, even if your partner has a different opinion.
  • You have the right to all your feelings.
  • You have the right to live free from criticism, judgment, accusation and blame.
  • You have the right to encouragement.
  • You have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
  • You have the right to leave your partner.
  • You have the right to be playful and relaxed.
  • You have the right to forgive others and forgive yourself.
  • You have the right to give and receive unconditional love.
  • You have the right to change and grow.
  • You have the right to heal, to let go of fear, shame and guilt and to become whole.
  • You have the right not to be responsible for your partner’s problems, feelings and behaviours.

Sometimes, we don’t dare to claim our rights because our inner child is blocking us. Within ourselves, there is an inner child that doesn’t know what is right or wrong.  Her perception of love and relationships is shaped by her childhood and her past. She repeats these experiences because she is loyal to her past. You childhood was as it was. Your parents gave you what they were able to give you when you were a child. Now you are an adult and it is the time that you learn to take care of this child within yourself and that you teach her the truth about love and relationships. If she receives your love, she stops looking for love in the wrong places. Become a compassionate mother for your inner child and a courageous heroine in claiming your rights. This is an important step you can take today to create a fabulous relationship.

I’d love to hear from you. Just leave your comment below.

Do you want to read more? Check the post What if you always attract the wrong man?

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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5 Warning Signs For Toxic Relationships

Each relationship has its ups and downs, and both partners will grow through their bond. And sometimes, these up and downs of the relationships become emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse is difficult to recognize and it can deeply damage your soul.

Here are 5 warning signs of a toxic relationship:

Isolation from the people you love.

You get increasingly isolated from the people you love. This can start slowly and subtle: Your partner may have required all of your attention and convinced you in a flattering way to spend all your time with him and his friends. Maybe, he or she talks in an insulting or depreciating way about your friends and your family, and they never seem to be “good enough” in the eyes of your partner. Your family and your friends are an essential part of your life and loving you includes accepting your friends and family as they are. If you suddenly notice that you have lost contact with most of your friends, then this is a warning sign that you are heading in the wrong direction.

Your partner’s jealous behaviour limits you.

Jealousy is an emotion, and your partner is responsible to manage his or her emotions. If your partner feels jealous, he should explore the emotion more deeply and understand its root causes. It becomes a warning sign if your partner uses jealousy to control you and to prevent you to do the things you love and enjoy. Don’t find excuses for their jealous behavior and don’t feel flattered by it. Jealousy isn’t love and in a healthy relationship you should have the freedom to do what you enjoy.

Insults and depreciation.

Instead of expressing their appreciation for you, your partner tells you things like “You are lazy” or “You are fat.” Or your partner doubts your abilities to meet your goals and talks about you in such a way that you feel belittled or ashamed. It is a warning sign if your partner talks about you repeatedly in a negative way. Don’t try to whitewash this issue. I have experienced this myself and the words my partner used left a deep mark on my heart, more than I wanted to admit when it happened.

Blaming.

It doesn’t matter what’s happening, you are responsible for all the bad things that are going on in your partner’s life. This blame can be completely irrational, and you might feel very confused about what’s going on. It is a warning sign if your partner blames you all the time or if you feel constantly guilty.

Continuous fighting.

A relationship consists of two people who have different needs and desires. It requires communication to create solutions that meet the needs of both partners. These solutions need honesty, negotiation and creativity. If your conversations consist of constant fighting with an attitude of “my needs are more important than yours” then this is a warning sign. The needs of each partner are equally important. If your partner uses threatening behavior or constant screaming or yelling to meet his or her goals, then this is a sign of a toxic relationship.

In summary, the subtle manipulation of a toxic relationship will eat away your self-esteem and your sense of worthiness. You may end up believing all the negative labels your partner says about you. He or she usually knows your weak points and will push the buttons when possible. The longer you stay in a toxic relationship, the more difficult it can be to leave it due to your decreased sense of worthiness. Only you can change this situation. The best decision you can take for your well-being is to ask for professional help and to leave a toxic relationship as soon as possible. You are an adult, and you are responsible for taking good care of yourself. You deserve a fabulous relationship. You deserve a loving and supportive partner.

A recently published Danish study shows that “middle-aged man and women” who experience stressful social relations have an increased mortality risk.

Do you want to pay this price?

I’d love to hear from you. Just read a comment below.

Do you want to read more? Check the post What if love is painful…?

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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The Greatest Gift

When I was healing from the effects of sexual abuse and violence, I faced many different reactions. Some were damaging, others helped me to heal and connect with my full potential. The poem is dedicated to Olga, a dear friend who gave me the great gift of non-judgement. I am deeply grateful for receiving her present and her dedication for her non-profit organization, SOI – Street Heroes of India:

I have experienced things you didn’t.
You are terrified.
Poor thing,
Pity shines in your eyes.
You’re broken,
You say aloud.
Whatever you do, it’s up to you.
I am not broken.
I have scars,
Haven’t you, too?

All I know is this:
We all are human,
We all feel the same,
Caused by whatever reason.
My shame is your shame.
My pain is your pain.
My anger is your anger.
My joy is your joy.
My love is your love.
In our emotions,
We are all equal.
In our emotions,
We are all the same.

The causes are
Different.
One worse than the other?
I don’t know.
I can’t compare.
You carry yours.
And I carry mine.

Today I ask you for this:
Just for a moment,
Look at me and remember.
My soul is full of light.
Your soul is full of light.
In this precious moment,
Smile at me and say:
I see you, I don’t judge you.
Just for a moment.

Thanks for making a difference.

Do you want to read more? Check the post In Wholeness, We meet.

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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5 Ways To Deal With Unhealthy Family Relationships

This week, I read a quote by Willard Scott in google+. It said, “Positive feelings come from being honest about yourself and accepting your personality, and physical characteristics, warts and all; and, from belonging to a family that accepts you without question.” Willard Scott. Somebody had posted a comment: I have it all… except for the family that accepts without question. When I read it, I felt sad. It reminded me that family is sometimes seen in a rather limited way and it is more than just the family we are born in. I commented that family does not only mean the family you are born in, it can also be friends or colleagues. He answered with a smiley: if it’s that kind of family I have too. I replied, me, too. It’s a good one. and he posted, the best one ever.

Life seems easy if your family relationships are supportive and nurturing.

However, how can you deal with family relationships if they are unhealthy or manipulative?

Our family relationships are the first relationships we experience in our life. As children, we needed their attention, their love and their nourishment. During our childhood, we adapted the best way possible to the circumstances and tried to fit it so that we could belong to them. We may have tried to save them from their problems. We may have taken on the responsibility for their happiness. As children, we need our family and we love them unconditionally without knowing what is good for us.
However, as adults, we have choices. We do not have to stay in relationships that try to control and manipulate or that constantly use blame or shaming. You may still feel obliged to do what your family says and wants, however you can learn to take care of yourself. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s part of your personal growth process and your path to become mature. You can’t save other people, even if it is your family. You can’t change them if they don’t want to. You can only save yourself. And you are free to leave relationships that hinder your growth, that don’t accept and don’t support you. You are the most important person in your life. You are responsible for your well-being and your emotional health.

What can you do if your family relationships are unhealthy?

  • Execute your rights.
    You are an adult now, and you can claim your rights. What your rights are? Here are a few to think about: you have the right to be happy, and you have the right to be happier than those around you. You have the right to follow your own values and standards. You have the right to take care for yourself, no matter what. You have the right to be uniquely you, without feeling that you aren’t good enough. You have the right to be in a non-abusive environment. You have the right to dignity and respect.
  • Put some distance between yourself and your family.
    If your family relations are unhealthy, find a place for yourself that enables you to feel well with it. Put the distance you need between yourself and your family. What distance can you put between yourself and your family so that you feel well? What kind of contact do you want to have with them? You are free to put the distance you need and to follow your path. It is kind and caring for yourself to love your family with the necessary distance.
  • Cut contact with manipulative family members.
    If the relationships are manipulative or if they constantly drag you down, cut contact with these family members. You are not obliged to stay in contact with your family. You are responsible for your own well-being and for taking care for yourself. If your family ties hinder your personal growth, you have the choice to cut contact with them. I cut contact with my father when I was 26 years old. It was the best and wisest decision I took for my well-being. I acknowledged that he wasn’t able to give me the love and appreciation my inner child longed for. It was not an easy decision. I faced comments like how dare you, or you are a bad daughter. I received looks that expressed disapproval. I also received a card from a friend who thanked me for cutting contact with my father and given her the courage to do the same. The world is full of different opinions about what is right. Important is that you follow your intuition. I don’t know how it is like to grow up in a supportive family. I do know that there are good reasons to stop having contact with family members. Being a family relationship doesn’t justify manipulation.
  • Heal your inner picture of your family.
    Your childhood experiences influence your way to relate with the world. If you have experienced unhealthy situations, you have to heal the effects it had on yourself. If you don’t face the issues you experienced in your family, you risk repeating the same mistakes as your parents did. I always said, “I never want to have the manipulative relationship my mother had.” And I had it in another disguise until I dealt with the effects my family had on myself.
    As an adult, you are able to face the pain and heal your inner child from the pain he or she experienced in their childhood. Face your grief of all you didn’t have and let go of it. You also can do a family constellation to liberate the effects your family had on you. Through the process of self-discovery and awareness, you can find inner peace with the family issues you are dealing with.
  • Create your own definition of family.
    I am blessed with two types of family: the family I was born in and my chosen family. My chosen family consists of my three cats and my closest friends. They give me the love, support and sense of belonging I need. You have faced challenging family relations. You can continue to look at all what you never had, and it is likely that you will never get it there. You family gave you the best they could. They didn’t have more. They have their own story that hinders them to give you what you want.
    As an adult, you have the choice to create the kind of family you wish. Outside the family you were born in, there is a group of people waiting for you that accepts you without questions. That’s your family of souls. Invite them into your life!

Difficult family relationships are painful experiences. However, they don’t define your capacity to experiment positive feelings. Through growth, self-awareness and self-discovery, you can transform them into life mastery and wisdom. That’s a path so that you generate positive feelings with the kind of family you had.

I look forward to reading your comments below!

Do you want to read more? Check the post Forgiveness – your choice to find freedom.

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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Can You Heal From Emotional Abuse and Violence?

Can you heal from emotional abuse and violence?

Yes, you have experienced traumatic events. Emotional abuse and violence have left a mark on your soul. Everything may seem dark and hopeless. You feel pain, shame and guilt. You may hear judgments of other people like “poor victim” or “you will never overcome the effects of emotional abuse.” You feel small, you feel unworthy. The scale of your life seems out of balance. The trauma seems heavier than any resources you may own.

And the trauma weighs so heavy on you that you can’t see clearly: you have precious and valuable resources. You have developed strength, perseverance and courage. You have resilience because you have learned to go through a crisis and move forward with your life.

It doesn’t matter what happened to you: you are worthy of love and belonging.

The emotional abuse or violence you have experienced don’t define yourself nor your future. Healing them is your challenge on your journey. Facing them is the starting point for the greatest transformation of your life. And that’s your hero’s journey. You have the power to become whole and to recover all what seems lost in the traumatic events. And nobody else can do this for you. Your partner can’t save you. Your parents can’t save you. Your children can’t save you. Only you can save yourself.

Let’s take a look at a lotus plant: Its roots stand in the dirt and mud, and out of these roots, it develops bright and colorful flowers. Its roots are strong enough to survive in an environment that seems difficult. Its leaves have a mechanism to repel water. And it can produce heat to the water that surrounds its body. This way it creates its own friendly environment.
You are just like this lotus plant: you have the strength to grow through these painful events and transform them into a bright and colorful life. You can release the negativity you have experienced and liberate yourself from its influences, and you can create for yourself a loving and nurturing environment.

Why am I so sure about what I am telling you? I have been there, too, and I used this path myself. I experienced emotional abuse and violence in my childhood. And I used the following steps to heal myself. If I was able to do it, you can do it, too.

How can you heal from emotional abuse and violence?

  • Create a bright and colorful vision for your future.
    Your past doesn’t define your future. The vision you create will define the outcome and you can create joyful and positive experiences you may never have experienced before. Everything is possible. Your definition of the future gives you the energy and courage to face your challenges and move forward on your healing path.
  • Become whole again.
    The painful events have shaken your soul and your sense of being. You have absorbed many labels and many opinions about yourself that are not true. Your task is to connect deeply with yourself, to love yourself and to liberate yourself from the conditioning you have absorbed. Re-establish your self-esteem and self-worth. Value your needs and dreams. Be loving and kind towards yourself.
  • Become a compassionate parent for your inner child.
    During your childhood, you have experienced painful events that you weren’t able to deal with at this age. Now, you are an adult. You can choose to become a loving and compassionate adult for this child within you that wants to be seen and loved by you. Don’t blame your parents for what they did or didn’t do. They can’t help you with this. You can’t change the past, but you can take the responsibility for your inner child. Be a good parent for your inner child. This way, he or she will heal and become a source for creativity and joy.
  • Connect with your intuition and your higher wisdom.
    You have learned many beliefs about yourself that aren’t true. Connect with your higher wisdom to clarify the truth of these beliefs. Sit in silence, go for a walk in nature and connect with this part of you that has all the wisdom you need. Listen to and follow your intuition. It will show you the right path for your healing.
  • Find somebody to go with you without judging you.
    You cannot do it all alone. You will need somebody who supports you on this journey. Find a person who doesn’t judge you or the events that happened to you. Find a therapist, counselor, coach or healer who deserves your trust and who deserves to hear your story.
  • Learn to practice emotional intelligence.
    Connect with your body, and learn to listen to your emotions. Learn ways how you can express them in a healthy way. Your emotions aren’t your enemies. They are your allies, and they give you signals. If you numb yourself to avoid painful emotions, you limit your capacity to feel joy and happiness, and it can lead to addictive behaviors. Explore your emotions and listen to what they have to tell you.

As human beings, we have a need to connect and love. Traumatic events can limit your capacity to connect. Healing yourself is your path towards love and connection. Take responsibility for your life and your needs. Dare to walk down this path. You deserve it.

I look forward to reading your comments below!

Do you want to read more? Check the post Love and Freedom.

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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