What If You Always Attract The Wrong Man?

Do you always attract the type of man you don’t want?

Have you ever wondered why this happened?

Let me tell you my story:

Growing up in a dysfunctional home I had a very clear picture of what I did not want and after each failed relationship my list grew longer. I was very clear about what I didn’t want, but I did not have a clue about what I did want. I focused on I don’t want an abusive man, I don’t want a man who doesn’t respect me or I don’t want a man who doesn’t love me.

 What is your list of “I don’t want it anymore”?

At the time, I did not know that the subconscious mind does not understand the word “no”, so I attracted what I did not want. Then came that day in Taiwan, listening to my colleagues’ stories of their fabulous relationships, I could hear the love and respect they had in their voices when they talked about their partners. One of them had met his partner just six months before. Now he said with all the confidence in his voice, “She is the woman of my life”. While I listened to them I knew that I wanted my partner to speak the same way about me and vice versa. That day, I started to define what I really wanted. I searched within myself and asked me, What do I really want? I allowed myself to dream big and go beyond the relationship schemes I had learned from my parents. There is no need to repeat my parents’ destiny. My vision of a fabulous relationship has five pages. It is a precious guide to choose the right man to spend my life with. Having this clarity is an act of self-love towards myself.

So, how about you?

Change your focus; define the relationship you want in a positive way and your subconscious mind will automatically change the radar and will attract the relationship you want in your life. It will also help you to quickly let go of partners that do not fit what you want or need. Sit down now and write a love-card about your ideal partner and your ideal relationship. As soon as you have written it, stop telling yourself what you don’t want and allow yourself to talk about what you really want.

For your unique love-card think about the following areas:

  • Your ideal partner: What is he or she like? What are their main traits and characteristics? What is their profession? Their hobbies? What do they like/ dislike?
  • When you are together with your partner: How does this make you feel? What activities do you do together? How do you spend your time together? What do you want your spouse to say about you and your relationship?
  • Your relationship: How does your relationship make you feel? What do your friends say about your relationship? Do your friends see this as the relationship you have always wanted to have?

Write down everything in a positive way; focus on what you do want and what you need. Be honest with yourself and write from your heart. Avoid clichés or any negative role modeling that you have learned from your past. Never forget: You can now create the relationship that you have always wanted!

The first step to be in a fabulous relationship is to have a clear vision about what it means to you and to focus on it. Allow yourself to feel how it would feel like to be in such a relationship. There is no right and wrong. Your vision is as unique and beautiful as you are.

Are you ready to take the next step? Check my program “Create Your Vision of a Fabulous Relationship.”

I’d love to here from you. Just leave a comment below.

Copyright © 2015, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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What if you’re in an on-again, off-again relationship?

When I fell in love with my colleague, I was in heaven. He seemed to be all I ever wanted. The moments we spent together were beautiful: We walked through the city during a full moon night, enjoyed romantic dinners at our favorite Indian restaurant, visited an exhibition or went to a spa. He appreciated who I was and had a good sense of humor. We had similar interests, and we seem to fit well together. In the beginning, I did not bother that he didn’t send me messages and that he wouldn’t answer my calls. I was just happy about the perspective of seeing him again. It changed when we had been on a business trip to Taiwan together. We spend a full week together, in meetings during the day and strolling through the city at night. Then, I visited a friend in Singapore, and he headed back home. I sent him a couple of messages and never received an answer. I tried to call him, and he never answered my calls. My confusion about his behavior transformed into hurt.

Do you experience the same?

After a while, I noticed a pattern. Each time when we became close, he would disappear, go on a business trip and stop answering the phone. I wasn’t able to talk to him about our relationship or our future. After six months, it became even worse. He sent me a message that he would break up. After a couple of weeks, he came back and continued our relationship as if nothing had happened. When it happened the second time, I decided that it was the last time that I would return. I wanted a partner who wanted to have a committed relationship.

What patterns do you experience?

I wasn’t happy about this pattern, and I felt very confused because I wasn’t able to let him go at first. But there were some invisible strings that I wasn’t aware of that made it impossible for me to leave him:

  • Desire to heal and save my partner.
    When I met my partner, I sensed his loneliness and pain, and I wanted to heal his wounds. I focused more on his pain than on myself. I repeated a pattern that I had learned early in my childhood – taking on the responsibility for the lives of the people I loved. I thought more about him than about myself. I tried to understand his inner world more than I wanted to understand mine. This relationship taught me that I could neither heal nor rescue my partner, but that I can heal and rescue myself. And so I did. What do you need to heal within yourself?
  • Lack of self-love.
    When I started this relationship, I had no idea what self-love meant and how I could practice it. I was used to caring for other people and fulfill their needs. I didn’t know what my needs were and how to fulfill them. I considered my partner’s needs as more important than my own. During our time together, I learned that our needs were equally important. I started to understand my needs, such as stability, support, and closeness, and I acknowledged that my partner couldn’t cover these needs. What are your needs in a relationship?
  • Lack of worthiness.
    Deep inside, I was convinced that I didn’t deserve something better. I didn’t feel worthy of love, and I accepted this as being true. After this relationship, I started to challenge the truth of these beliefs and found out that I was worthy of love, no matter what had happened in my childhood. Love is a feeling, and I may fall in love with the wrong man but I still have a choice… love doesn’t have to be suffering because a relationship is a choice. It’s up to me that I choose a man with whom love is joy, not suffering.

What holds you back from choosing a man with whom love is joy?

After the end of this relationship, I learned to love myself, connected with my soul and re-established my worthiness. I found ways how love can expand in a relationship and committed to my vision of a fabulous relationship. I healed those invisible strings that made me stay with the wrong partner. With all its confusion, this relationship was an important turning point in my life that opened the door to experience true love. And I am deeply grateful for this.

What learning do you want to make?

I’d love to read your comments below.

Do you like to read more?  Check this article:  Do you fall into these love traps?

Copyright © 2015, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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What if He Says, “I Don’t Love You”….?

He stood in front of me. He had brown eyes and an athletic body. It was six months since we had started our relationship. Now, he must say it. I waited for his words. I love you. I waited for these magical words. And then, he said, I like you, but I don’t love you. His words hurt me, deep in my heart. Part of me wanted to run away. My mind went crazy. It can’t be true, can it? How can he stay with me if he doesn’t love me? How can he have sex with me if he doesn’t love me? Another voice said, I just have to try harder. One day, he will love me.

Did you experience the same?

When he said that he liked me but wouldn’t love me, I was hurt, but it was the pain I knew. I stayed for the following nine years and found excuses. Poor guy, his ex-girlfriend has just left him. He doesn’t mean it this way. I secretly hoped that he would love me one day. He never did. I can’t remember how often he told me that he didn’t love me. Now, I know that I needed this experience to become aware of unconscious patterns that ruled my relationship. He was my first boyfriend. We had met shortly before my mother’s death. I was not yet an adult – and a product of a broken home.

How come that I stayed with him?

  • Repetition of the relationship with my father.
    The relationship with my father had always been conflictive. While one part of me rejected him, the other part yearned for my father’s love and appreciation. I tried hard to make him love me. And I did the same with my boyfriend. When I finally acknowledged that my father wasn’t able to give me the love I hoped for, I also left my boyfriend.
  • Negative beliefs I learned as a child.
    I considered myself of being unworthy of love. In a way, my boyfriend gave me the pain I expected. Who would ever love an abused child? I thought I didn’t deserve love. At this age, I was convinced that no man would ever love me. They were rooted in my identity. I never questioned their truth, and I had no idea that I had the power to change them.
  • Lack of knowledge about good relationships.
    I grew up in a manipulative and violent environment. Nobody had ever taught me how a good relationship looked like, and I didn’t know how to make a good choice. I was content that he wasn’t violent and didn’t beat me up. My childhood experiences shaped my reality. I didn’t know what to look for or ask for. I didn’t know that I could heal and change this. Sometimes, I wish they had taught me in school all I know now.

How come that you stay with him?

With all its pain, this relationship was a precious teacher in healing myself and defining a healthy and good vision of a relationship. It was an inner process that evolved over time.

What my most important learning was out of this relationship? A relationship needs two people who love each other. If my partner doesn’t love me, there is no reason to stay. I can’t make him love me, and it doesn’t make any sense to try. I can just be myself and show up as I am. Whether he loves me, is up to him.

What is your most important learning?

After this relationship, I defined a new rule for my romantic relationship: I leave my partner if he doesn’t love me. It doesn’t matter how much I love him. It doesn’t matter how he justifies it. I do this because I love myself. I do this because I deserve to be loved by a man.

How about you?

You liked this article? Then you also may like If love is painful.

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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Do You Have the Right to Cut Contact With Family Members?

The relationship with my father was always conflictive. Maybe it all started with my conception. While my father only wanted one child, my mother wanted two. To make her dream reality, she secretly stopped taking the pill and became pregnant again. She betrayed him. Her story was that my father went on holidays alone shortly after I was born. How does a man feel if he becomes a father of a child he never wanted? I assume it must have been difficult for him.

My parents separated when I was one and I saw him again two years later. The following two decades, I was torn between my infantile need to be approved by my father and rejecting him because of his manipulative personality traits. When I was 12, I cut contact with my father for the first time. His badmouthing about my mother’s family was too much. I saw him again when he got married to his 2nd wife four years later. I wished that he would stop blaming my mother now. But nothing changed. My mother died when I was 19, and I hoped that her death would put his mind at ease, sooner or later. The little girl within me still hoped to receive his approval. Eight years later, his torrent of hatred against my mother and her family persisted. It was unbearable to listen to him. His stories never changed.

Does a daughter have the right to cut contact with her father?

At that stage, I wasn’t sure. My father’s favorite bible quote was “You have to honor your father.” He used it each time when he wanted to impose his opinion on me. Sometimes I asked myself silently, and a father – is he supposed to honor his daughter?

One day, I finally woke up and acknowledged that he just wasn’t able to approve me. I was sick and tired of his repetitive stories and his unforgiving attitude. I cut contact with him. It wasn’t easy or comfortable, but it felt right. It was not for his sake, but for mine. Even though, I didn’t know it at that time, it was one of the most caring acts I ever did for myself.

Do you have the right to cut contact with your parents?

I faced many opinions. Some people looked at me disapprovingly; a couple of counselors told me that I had to meet him and hug him to be able to forgive him. Other therapists approved it and told me that I had to find the right distance to be at peace with him. I felt confused by the different opinions. Was it right what I had done?

Who knows what’s right or wrong?

Each opinion reflected the perspective the other person had, their story and their values. How much did they know about my experience and my inner process that led to my decision? Not much.

Years after I cut contact, I still had a secret address so that my father couldn’t find me. But one day, he did. I called a police officer from the victim’s department, and she phoned him. Later, she told me that he would insist on having the right to see me. She asked me whether I would be willing to do so. I said, no. I just wanted to have my freedom. She continued: I have many years of experience with victims of violence. I know that you have every reason to fear him. It was the first time that somebody outside my family confirmed my truth about him, and her comment helped me to believe in my intuition and release my doubts.

You can’t choose your family and, as a child, you get used to accepting what is. However, as an adult you can choose how you want to relate to them. You are not obliged to stay in a situation that is toxic for you. You have the right to find the distance you need to protect yourself. You even have the right to cut contact. Trust your inner voice because the only person who knows the correct answer is you. You don’t owe anybody an explanation. You don’t need anybody’s approval. The only thing you need to take into account that cutting contact is just a step on your journey.

My ties with my father didn’t end with ending the relationship. It was one important step that allowed me to heal my relationship with him, to forgive and heal my heart. In a way, he’s now closer to me than he has ever been in my life. Sometimes, the best option to love somebody is without having a relationship with him.

Whatever decision you are facing, I know that you will make the right choice for yourself and your life.

I’d love to hear from you. Just leave a comment below.

Do you want to read more? Check the post Love and Freedom.

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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What Does Your Soul Yearn For?

Do you know a woman like this?

She is quite attractive and seems to have everything. She has a great job and a relationship. She lives in a nice apartment and has enough money to buy some luxuries but deep inside she is frustrated. Is this really all what life is about? She looks for a different job and improves her relationship. But it doesn’t matter what she does, she can’t find fulfillment.

Do you relate with this?

Some years ago, I was this type of woman. I lived the life I thought I was supposed to have but deep inside my soul was screaming. I felt like being stuck in swamp mud, and I sunk deeper and deeper each year. Was this the life I really want to live? Something felt wrong about it.

I knew I needed a change. Despite all my doubts, I decided to follow my intuition: I started yoga and nurtured my soul’s longing for creativity. I left my partner because our relationship didn’t have the connection my soul desired and started my journey to heal my heart and childhood wounds. The following years, I connected more deeply with my intuition. The more I listened to her voice, the more I connected with happiness and fulfillment.

I moved with my cats to Barcelona and rebuilt my life from the scratch. I only implemented what felt right, and I let go of all activities that didn’t. First, I went for long walks at the beach and spent hours sitting at the beach looking at the sea and the limitless sky. The waves seemed to whisper, “Open your eyes. The world is full of new opportunities. Allow yourself to see them.” A seagull flew above my head every once in a while, and her chirping seemed to tell me, “You are free to choose. You don’t have to re-live your parent’s life. You don’t need to live up to other people’s expectations. You can choose whatever you want and whatever makes you happy.

My soul yearned for so many things that my mind didn’t feel comfortable with, and he tried to talk me out of it. But my intuition told me to walk on this path.

What did my soul want?

She wanted to experience deep connection with other people and to belong. She needed creativity, growth and healing. She wanted to share true love and to give back. She desired to stay in nature and solitude. And so I took my awkward steps just like a child who learned to walk. Each step gave me a higher degree of fulfillment and happiness. One accomplishment let to a new desire – from healing myself to become a healer, from increasing my creativity to writing a book. I found that there were two types of intentions: If my mind wanted something, I had to put a lot of effort and fight against adversities. I felt bored, and my energy drained away. If I finally decided to let go of these intentions, I felt relieved. If my soul wanted something she went for it, no matter what challenges she had to face. Deep down in myself there was a power that gave me the strength to move forward, to learn new things and to achieve goals I considered impossible. If there were those moments of doubts, there always came this inner voice that told me: Don’t give up. Trust. Everything will be all right. Following these intentions expanded my life and gave me fulfillment and happiness.

What does your soul yearn for?

I’d love to read your comments below.

Do you want to read more? Check the post Do you have impossible dreams? Find out how you can realize them.

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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What if You Are In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

It’s like a dream. I always wanted to be together with an independent woman like you are. And now I’ve met you. He said this after we had talked intensively about our lives. And he was right. It had been a beautiful start for a relationship. I thought that he was honest. And this stage, I had no reason to doubt his words. When I met a friend, she said, you should see your face when you talk about him, it is full of light. She was happy for my luck.

The relationship seemed to continue in a good direction. We planned our future and made many activities together. Then, I went away for a weekend. I attended a wedding of a friend. When I returned, he picked me up at the airport. I was excited to see him, and saw a man with a different face. He started to argue. Each day, he found another thing I didn’t do right. First, I was confused. Then, I became angry because I didn’t want to be treated like this. I gave him a warning. He apologized and promised to change. The next day, he continued with the same manipulative game. My inner voice said, it’s time to go. This situation isn’t loving for you at all. And so I did on the same day.

The game of manipulation lasted ten dreadful days. I didn’t doubt my decision to leave him for a moment. There is one rule I have for relationships: No to any form of violence – and manipulation is violence. It took me years to learn the difference because my family relationships have all been emotionally abusive. I believed for many years that they were as relationships were supposed to be until I became a different perspective. As an adult, I can choose relationships, and I owe it to myself to choose relationships that are nurturing and loving.

He couldn’t believe it. He waited for me in a park where I volunteered to feed a colony of abandoned cats. He wanted another chance; he promised to change. Just give me a month, he said, and I rejected. The next week, I sat in my monthly training for healing techniques. The doorbell rang. My spiritual teacher went outside and came back with a huge bouquet of flowers. She had a smile on her face and said, It’s for you. I had just told her the story about him. And he knew that I loved her and that she had a big heart. I had never received such a beautiful bouquet of flowers before in my life, and it was the last thing I wanted to receive. I felt angry because he didn’t respect that the relationship was over. I felt humiliated because I had fallen in love with a manipulative man. I looked at her and said, I don’t want them. She looked at me appalled and said, you can’t do this. They are awesome. Her soft heart was speaking. I looked at her and said, you know that they come with the wrong intention, don’t you? Living compassionately doesn’t mean that I allow somebody to manipulate me. She sighed, you’re right. She took the flowers home, and I sent him a message that I didn’t want the flowers and that he should never contact me again. When he ignored it another time, I asked a friend who was a lawyer for help. She called him and told him to leave me alone. That’s how I got rid of him.

Even though I wasn’t responsible for his manipulative behavior, it took me a while to release shame, guilt and humiliation. I analyzed our relationship again and again, and I couldn’t find any signs in the beginning. They appeared when he felt secure of the relationship. The relationship lasted three months, but I needed about two years to forgive myself for having fallen in love with him.

You can’t choose who you fall in love with but you can decide whether you want to stay in this relationship. You have the right to leave. Emotional abuse leaves deep wounds on your soul, eats away your sense of worthiness and your belief in yourself. His promises may sound sweet and tempting but don’t fall into them. They are part of the game. When I told this story to a friend, she said, I admire your decision. I don’t know whether I would have been able to leave him. The thing is that it’s not about how much you love him. It’s also not about him and what he is doing. It’s about you and whether you respect and value yourself sufficiently to say no to emotional abuse. You may have had harsh experiences in your life. I had them. You can’t choose how you start your life, but you have a tremendous potential to heal and transform your reality. To tap into this potential, you have to connect with your inner voice and learn to appreciate and love yourself. That’s the best protection of violent relationships and the most empowering act for yourself. And it’s a sign of strength to ask for professional help if you can’t do it alone. Manipulation and emotional abuse is a dead end for love. And what if you love him? I prefer to love without having a relationship if the person is manipulative. This way, I respect and value myself.

How about you? I’d love to read your comments below.

Do you want to read more? Check the article How to become a modern heroine.

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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Do You Try to Fit In Or Do You Belong?

Behind the house, there were some hills covered with green grass and huge trees that gave shade when the sun was hot. The air was clean and fresh. I took a deep breath; it felt like a blessing after having spent all summer in Barcelona’s sticky and humid heat. I was in the south of France. My first holidays since three years. There were about ninety people, most of them were French; some Spanish or German. I would spend the next ten days with them to meditate. I had never seen them before and felt nervous and insecure. How would it be to stay together for such a long time? How will I manage to cope with this situation?

The bell was ringing. 6 am – it was time to get up and go for the first meditation. I awkwardly crawled out of my dormitory bunk, brushed my teeth and went downstairs to the temple where we meditated. I smiled at the people at the entrance. They returned a grim look. I sat down on my zafu – the meditation cushion – and meditated. Some bird’s song broke the silence every once in a while. Then, the sun rose as an amazing red ball shining directly into my face. It was a beautiful morning.

After the meditation, we went for a silent walk. I just felt happy and light. I could feel the smile on my face. The people around me walked with severe faces. For a moment, I thought whether it was inappropriate to smile. Nobody else seemed to do it. The following days, I always had a smile on my face while the others were distant and grim. I started to feel guilty and questioned myself. Was my smiling appropriate? Was there something wrong with me? Did I need to be serious because everyone else was it? One part of me feared to be criticized and rejected. What should I do? I went for a walk alone. From a distance, the people were small little dots. Why should I give up on smiling? I couldn’t find a reason. I was enjoying the meditation as I always did. What was the worst thing to happen? Maybe I’d stay alone for the retreat. I could cope with this. I decided to stay true to myself and to resist my urge to adapt.

Two days later, I sat down at a different table for breakfast. I looked at the people who surrounded me. The energy at the table was joyful. We couldn’t talk, yet we communicated with eye contact and smiled at each other. From that day, we spent each meal together. On the last day, a lovely elder lady from this table came to me. We hadn’t talked a lot because I couldn’t speak French, and she only spoke a little bit of Spanish. She gave me a flower and said, “Thank you for your smile.” Suddenly, I was very happy that I hadn’t listened to my fears. I didn’t connect with many people but with the right ones. And I had released my survival strategy to fit in that has accompanied me since my childhood.

What are your survival strategies to fit in?
Sometimes, we learn difficult lessons in life, and we try hard to fit in. We also live in a society that tells us that there is only one standardized way to be or live. I was used to adapting and fitting in. Many years, I believed that it was the only way to be accepted and appreciated. I feared to show up as I was. I gave in to the pressure of my family or partner and fulfilled their expectations. However, with this strategy, I didn’t allow myself to experience true belonging. I also didn’t allow me to be happy. Belonging requires showing your true self, even if your knees may be shaking at first. You can never control what the other person will do. They may like you or hate you. That’s up to them. But the people who like you as you are, are the ones you belong to.

This retreat also taught me another precious lesson. Maybe you can’t see the right people at first but if you stay true to yourselves and show up the right people will find you. The nice French lady stayed in contact with me and sent me a picture she had painted that showed my smile. I felt very grateful for this present. And we are all looking for lasting bonds that nurture and support us, aren’t we?

How about you?

  • Do you want to belong?
  • Where do you still work hard to fit in?
  • How could you change this?

Do you fit in or do you belong? I’d love to read your comments below.

Do you want to read more? Check the article Do you enjoy the beauty of the moment.

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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Do You Fall Into These Love Traps?

When a good friend of mine fell in love a few years ago, she had a strong desire to be loved by her partner. She wanted this relationship to work out and tried to give everything – sometimes more than she had. She wiped off some minor red flag with He didn’t mean it or He had such a difficult childhood. Each red flag motivated her to give more. The relationship ended after three years with deep hurt and exhaustion.

Falling in love makes us vulnerable. With all the butterflies in the stomach, there also appear painful what if-scenarios in our mind. What if he doesn’t love me? What if I am not good enough? They aren’t helpful, and it’s easy to be swept away by fears and fall into traps that don’t allow you to create a loving and intimate relationship:

Thinking that you can make him fall in love with you.

My friend forgot about her needs and wants and only thought about her partner and his possible reactions. She desperately wanted him to love her. She thought that she just had to do all he wanted, and then he would love her. Before she wrote him a mail, she asked herself, how will he react if I write this? or, what will he think if I do this? Sometimes, she wanted to get my opinion, and I said, do what feels right for you. You don’t know how he will react, and you cannot control what he will do. You can just be yourself. It doesn’t matter how hard you try you can never make a man love you. He may start to love you or not. It’s not within your control. If a man doesn’t love you as you are, let him go and move forward.

Scarcity thinking.

My friend believed that he was the only available man and the only option for a relationship. Instead of giving herself the time to get to know him she made herself believe that he was the “one and only.” Was this really true? No. It was the voice of her fears. Instead of listening to her intuition, she pushed herself to make the relationship work, independent on the price she had to pay. Even though it is painful to let go of a relationship, there is always more than one opportunity. There are great men out there who are ready to fall in love with you. However, you need to close one door before a new one opens.

Trying to please him.

My friend also fell into the trap of trying to please him. She ignored her needs and limits and gave him everything. In the past, I struggled with this, too. However, loving somebody does not mean that you have to do everything he wants. It’s about finding the right balance between loving him and loving yourself. If you fall in love, stay connected with yourself. Instead of focusing on what going on in him, explore your inner world. Spend time alone or meditate 15 minutes a day. Become aware of your process to fall in love with and to commit to him: What do you really want or need? What are your hopes and dreams? What are you fears and insecurities?

Interpreting his words or behaviors.

My friend spent hours interpreting his words and actions. What might he have meant with this? Why did he do it? When he said that he didn’t love her, she interpreted that it was only his fear of relationship and that he would change. When she asked me for my opinion, I answered, I have no idea. You need to ask him to find out what he meant with it. She never asked because she feared his answer. Interpretations are just the movie you make up about your partner. They are a projection of your experiences, not what is going on within him. Dare to ask him what he really meant with it. Dare to explore his world. Be curious and do not judge. That’s a great way to find out whether you really want to choose him as a partner to spend your life with.

How can you avoid these traps?

Show him who you are with your beauty and imperfections. It may sound scary, and it’s the best way to create true love and belonging. Or do you want to bear your masks forever? Be true to yourself. Now is the time to be honest and create a deep connection with your partner. Let go of your mask and speak your truth. You cannot influence what he will think about it. And if he likes it and falls in love with you,  you have created a nurturing foundation for your relationship.

What traps did you fall into?

I’d love to read your comments below.

Do you want to read more? Check the article Why does the heart go through so much heartbreak.

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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If Love Is Painful…

“I am ready for a new relationship”, she said. “You may help me with this.”

O.k. Tell me more about your past relationships…” I asked her.

I had some relationships. I deeply loved them. But it never lasted long. I had to leave them. It was just too painful. They had so much baggage of their past,” she continued her story. While she spoke, I could sense the pain. When she had finished, I said: “Listening to your story, I hear that you speak about great love and deep pain. It seems as if there is a connection. What makes you connect love with so much pain?”

Silence. Suddenly, she had tears in her eyes. “It’s about my parents. Love was painful…,” she took a breath. ”I never saw this connection before… Now, I am ready to release it. I want to connect love with joy.” She smiled softly. Now, she was ready to experience love in a different way.

How do you experience love?

Love is a feeling, and your childhood shapes the way how you experience it. If you connect love with positive feelings like joy, you are unlikely to read this post.

What if you connect it with pain or struggle?

It’s something you should look at and heal with self-compassion. You can’t change the past, but you can create a better future. Take care of this little child within you that has lived through so much pain in love. Her childhood wasn’t easy. She has experienced suffering. Her parents may never have been able to give her the love she needed.

And you are a beautiful woman now, and you can give her the love she deserves. She won’t receive this from anybody else. Only you can give it to her. This way she can stop to look for love in painful places. The more you nurture the relationship with your inner child with compassion, the more you will free yourself from the influences of the past. Why should you change this? I know that you were an innocent child. You didn’t deserve to experience love as pain. But you can’t change the past. You can only create a better future. Healing isn’t obligatory. It’s a choice. I walked many years on the painful path until I decided to change. Going a new path is uncomfortable and sometimes frightening. As human beings, we love our comfort zone. We may sometimes even prefer the pain we know instead of trying something new. But before you decide what to do, just consider for a moment:

How would your life change if you were lucky in love?
What if love were a source of happiness and joy?

Isn’t this perspective worth to try a new path?

I’d love to read your comments below.

Do you want to read more? Read the post Why does the heart go through so much heartbreak.

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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Nobody Is Guilty For A Separation

When I left my ex-partner after we have lived together for six years, our separation was unpleasant. I experienced deep guilt together with my pain about the broken dream. My partner was deeply hurt and reluctant in accepting our separation. In his eyes, I had made it wrong. In the following months, I had painful self-talks and re-visited again and again the stories when I had done something wrong.

But was I really guilty for the separation?

The question of being guilty of a separation has played an important role in my family’s story. My mother left my father when I was one. He refused to agree to a divorce until the day when the German government decided to abolish the label guilty party in a divorce. My mother became one of the last persons who got divorced with this label. I couldn’t see that this label decreased their pain or resentment. They became stuck in blaming each other for the rest of their life; each one of them insisted that the other one was guilty. Can you imagine which price they paid for this? Hatred and bitterness blocked their hearts. I don’t know much about their relationship, I just think that both of them carried their share of responsibility for the divorce and that the relationship ended when it was supposed to end. From my perspective, it was the best that could have happened to them. Why should two people stay together and suffer until the end of their lives?

Is there really anybody guilty for the end of a relationship?

I can’t see it. For me, there are only responsibility and growth. Two people start a relationship with their hopes and dreams. There are struggles, and there are mistakes by both of them. Each partner is responsible for what they do and what they don’t do. It’s easy to fall into the blame trap and look at a relationship one-sided. You can blame your partner for his mistakes, and you can feel guilty for what you did wrong. But does it serve anybody? The past is past. You can’t change it. In my relationship, I made my share of mistakes, and my ex-partner made his. We didn’t do them because we had bad intentions; we just didn’t know how to deal better with it. Guilt and blame doesn’t help in this situation. It makes you stuck in the past and doesn’t allow you to find solutions. A relationship ends because it was supposed to end. Feeling guilty about your mistakes doesn’t help you, your ex-partner or anybody else in this world. Let go of blame and guilt and take responsibility for your share of the problems and the next time you will make it better. Blame and guilt limit your ability to grow and to live life fully. And that’s not how life is supposed to be. You are responsible for your life, your growth and your happiness. You are responsible for walking on your path. Your partner is responsible for his life, his growth and his happiness. He is responsible for walking on his path. You both are adults. You don’t dependent on each other. You have just chosen new paths in different directions. It’s not a question of guilt; it’s a question of acknowledging the reality, taking responsibility for oneself and growing as a person.

Your relationship is over, so what can you do?

  • Treat yourself with self-compassion.
    Allow your pain to heal. Avoid re-telling yourself painful stories about what you did wrong. Repeat the mantra that you did the best you could. And now, you will find ways how to make it better in the future.
  • Take responsibility for your mistakes.
    Reflect about the situations you feel guilty for, take responsibility for your behavior and make it better in the future. How did you behave? How can you make it better in the future? You may not see now, but there are always solutions. Grow as a person and become whole.
  • Forgive yourself and your partner.
    There are anger and pain. You may have experienced injustice. Your heart is broken. These are good reasons to close your heart forever and withdraw in bitterness and resentment. But does this serve you well? The only person who will suffer from this is you. Work through your emotions and when it feels right for you, practice forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what your ex-partner did was right. It just means that you let go of bitterness and resentment. It has nothing to do with your partner. You practice it for your well-being and happiness.
  • See your ex-partner as a complete person.
    Don’t idealize him. He is as human as you are. If your ex-partner blames you for the separation or if he meets you with silent reproach, cut contact with him. Being friends is nice, but it requires two people who want to grow and who can forgive. If you keep contact with an ex-partner who blames you or looks at you with silent reproach, it’s extremely difficult to let go of guilt. Don’t take on the responsibility for your ex-partner’s life. That’s not your business. Make yourself responsible for your life and your happiness. You are the most important person in your life. This way you can serve this world in a better way.

What are your experience with separations and guilt? I’d love to read your comments below.

Do you want to read more? Check the article What if a separation is not the end…?

Copyright © 2014, Natalie Jovanic. All rights reserved.

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